Why I Love the Modern World

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Today is a perfect example of everything that’s right with the modern world.

Normally, I’m pretty much of a stay at home schlub. I’m not even sure if that’s really a Yiddish word or not, but I can’t describe myself as a stay at home dad, now that my kids are out of the house.

Fortunately, they haven’t figured out that a locksmith could help them get back in.

But that’s not the point.

Today is one of those days that I will be out of the house most all day. No, not because it’s Cinco de Mayo. I have no idea what that celebrates, except I know that it’s not something that I celebrate.

Although I may be a schlub, I do make most of our family income by trading, while I sit and stare at the computer and the TV screen. At least I’m not a worthless schlub and I have taken on more of the cooking chores, because I feel my Sugar Momma deserves some culinary delights.

But ever since we got Caller ID on the TV screen, I don’t even have to turn my head anymore. If only La-Z-Boy would finally put a chamode in their recliners, then I’d be really poised to suspend most voluntary body functions. At least until the closing bell.

Green AcresJust to be clear, there are some things about the modern world that I don’t like. The very idea that there will never be another new episode of Green Acres starring the original cast is just inexcusable.

Yet somehow, we manage to go on.

I also miss some of my childhood candies, such as Bonomo Bars, that have had 50 years to make their return, but have not.

Although my teeth are probably grateful for that, the rest of me remembers the joys of trying to devour the razor sharp pieces.

But there’s no reason to dwell in the past, reliving such things as having Green Mountain Coffee shares exercised from me $25 ago.

Instead, let’s focus on what’s great about the modern world.

The fact that I could write this blog while stuck in traffic is one of the pretty cool things. Although when you enter into my state, you are greeted with traffic signs warning drivers aginst texting, it says nothing about blogging.

But better yet, during the day, even going from meeting to meeting, I’ll be able to make trades just by going to that wonderful Droid my sons convinced me to get.

I may, however, cut down on my superfluous Tweets tomorrow.  Luckily, they also convinced me that the unlimited data plan was worth it, because it has been.

One thing about the modern world, before I go on, that I don’t like, is the propensity to change the meanings of words. One prime example is “unlimited”, as in “unlimited data”. Putting a limit on  unlimited seems wrong. Although I do understand the concept of throttling. That’s just like continually getting smaller and smaller portions when you go to the “All you Can Eat” deals at Applebees.

Who knows what kind of mammal has ribs that small?

But still, the good outweighs the bad, especially since I don’t eat ribs.

Someday, this modern world will figure out a way to impant a cable TV receiving chip in my eyes so that I can always be connected, as I disconnect from the reality of the world that is trying to intrude on my preferred reality.

Not being glued to the screen robs the chance to get up to the second worthless news.

I also must admit, that in the 10 days or so that I’ve been on Twitter, I’ve grown to like the postings of a number of people, some of whom are really pretty funny. I will miss the constant real time updates, although I’ve pruned my “Following List” down by 50%.

Since I make it a strong rule to never use public restrooms, I’ll have some difficulty keeping up with the Tweets.

One thing that I really like about the modern world is how fast everything moves. Specifically, I love how fast the stock markets moved.

Without dealing in percentages, imagine how many years it would have taken to double the Dow Jones in the 1950’s. Imagine how long it used to take to recover from any kind of drop in prices. A generation is the answer, as that wa not a rhetorical question.

These days, you blink your eyes twice and your favorite stock has run through a couple of up and down cycles and then some.

I own shares in Mosaic, Rio Tinto and Freeport MacMoRan. Despite that heavy load, my portfolios are still well diversifed. But those stocks gyrate like wild, yet still manage to stay in a range.

Never would have happened that way when Arthur Burns was Chairman of the Federal Reserve.

Man that guy had great hair, but most will admit that things really picked up after a bald Volcker took the reins.

Since then, baldness has been the modern day version of hair.

My full headed mane speaks poorly of my keeping up with the times. I’ve been trying as hard as possible to increase my stress levels, thinking that may cause some exfoliation, but now that Bin Laden has started on his journey to meet his 72 virgins, I have less to worry about.

And it’s a good thing, because I’ve been spending too much time worrying about these past few down days.

I know that it will soon change course, but what if the new modern world end up just like the old times?

At least Green Acres would be back.

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