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Szelhamos Rules

Tom Brady

Third Party Candidates


A lot has been said about the recent Jockey underwear survey regarding who people would rather see in their upcoming ad campaign. Hurriedly arranged, the alternative new campaign had to be launched when news came that Chaz Bono would not be ready in time for the spring collection, due to some unfinished business left dangling.

Reportedly, the nation was evenly split in their opinion, but voting continues.

What a surprise. Although in our very recent past, evenly split is an apt description of just about everything with regard to our positions on political, social and economic policies..

As it would turn out at the end of Saturday evening, in the playoff faceoff between the two undergarment models, the "Brady Bulge" easily beat the "Tebow Twinkie."

By "beat," I meant was victorious over, as this is a family friendly site.

Ed Asner for Jockey UnderwearAs someone who has long supported the cause of third party cadidates, I'm going to cast my vote for either Ed Asner or Danny DeVito, if the survey ever gets past my Caller ID defense mechanisms.

I'm really having difficulty trying to get the image of Tebow in his tighty whities doing his genuflection and then being greeted by the inadvertant escape of his He-bow. You know, the thing he uses when he needs to Wee-bow.

As I think back to my voting record I've voted for the following third party candidates: George McGovern, John Anderson and H. Ross Perot,  while ignoring the likes of Ralph Nader or Pat Buchanan.

I know that strictly speaking George McGovern doesn't qualify as a third party candidate, but I think his performance that year was on par with the likes of Strom Thurmond, George Wallace and Robert LaFollette.

To a very large degree anyone running as a third party candidate has to have large doses of narcissism and denial running through their veins. So much so that they're willing to see the side that they're more closely aligned with lose, due to the siphoning of votes.

Danny Devito - A True Team PlayerNeither Asner nor DeVito would ever do anything like that. They could just as easily lead or be a team player. Having appeared in an underwear shot in "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia," DeVito has already proven that he has the literal and figurative goods. He is also willing to supply a wide angle lens for appreciating the full effect.

John Anderson may not fit into the narcissistic category either, but the other recent candidates certainly have changed election outcomes. Although I'm not really certain who Ed Asner would take votes away from, unless the mainstream dichotomous choice was between Tim Tebow or Danny DeVito.

In that case, Tebow slips in, but not before matrimony.

At this point who knows where Ron Paul is heading, but theres no doubt that he would receive lots of support in making that decision from those on the left side of the aisle. From purely a conceptual bais, probably no one would be more in favor of dropping the unwritten rule that ours is a two party political system than Ron Paul.

Why? Because it's a rule, of sorts. That's reason enough. If the good Lord had only wanted two parties he would have only made two human genders.

Well, that's where he lost the evangelical vote. That and the legalization of heroin thing.

"Beats me" how he can get them back. And by "beats me" I mean in a self-pleasuring fashion.

Alright, maybe trying to meld evangelical views with libertarianism isn't a great idea.

I was watching David Letterman's interview with guest Senator John McCain the other night. It was really a good segment. I'm still struck by the comment that John Stewart had made a few years ago that he would have voted for the John McCain of 2000 if he had run against Al Gore in the Presidential election.

Politics does strange things to people.

Even good people. Don't even think about what it does to people that are already inclined toward narcisism and entitlement.

Do you know what would be just punishment for that kind of person?

Change their name to "Newt," or if you're really feeling feisty and hot under the collar, just call them a "Newtchebag."

One of the things that Letterman was hammering at, and McCain obviously agreed by body language, facial expression and non-spirited defense, was that perhaps the two party system was broken and both sides were to blame, but that it was probably still better than the alternatives.

Alright, maybe we don't want the typical Parliamentary system where bizarre coalitia are formed and the smallest fringe party can hold everyone else hostage.

Just look at the European Union. Remember the curveballs thrown by Finland and Slovakia?

But is three really too much of a crowd?

The thought that only dichotomous choices are appropriate has long been the paradigm of life.

You either have one spouse or you don't. Pity the Romney's of centuries past that had to fee to "Old Mexico" in order to rid themselves of societal dichotomy.

But the thought that only dichotomous choices are appropriate has also long been the paradigm of personal investing.

You either buy or you hold.

That used to be the same with sell side analysts. Only in the past few years has anyone ever been so bold as to offer a sell recommendation. Doing so was probably as unsettling as the first time someone wore something other than a white button down shirt at IBM.

Black and white is great if you want people to act out of their visceral senses. Offer total opposites and make it easy for people to choose without the need to get bogged down in thought processes. The lack of regard for the ability of people to actually think is widespread. It explains why there are severe restrictions on the number of insurance companies that can offer health insurance in a given state.

Too confusing for the populace.

Without a doubt there are those that are paralyzed over the very prospect of having to make a choice or decision. You know the type. Maybe you were one of those kids that would take an hour to choose their socks each morning, even if they were going to be completely enveloped in snow boots.

But choice is the very essence of a free people.

Szelhamos used to tell me that under the Communists in Hungary, if you wanted shoes, the choice was brown or none. If you asked about black shoes the answer was "re-education," perhaps on the Siberian campus, for good measure.

I'm glad we have choices and by choices, I mean options.

Not to overly "beat" it to death, but the ability to use a third mechanism to protect yourself from the unpredictable nature of the markets, as they are subjected to "eurosis," greed and rumors is priceless. As difficult as your past may have been when selecting your socks or your stocks, the use of hedging mechanisms are simple and are likely to protect you from languishing in portfolio equivalent of Siberia.

In this case, "priceless" can be quantitatively analyzed for its influence on your portfolio.

Even though I do post my transactions, I've always resisted ever placing any performance data. Besides the fact that its information only between myself and my IRS agent, there really aren't any restrictions on me from making whatever claims I like.

I wish it had been like that when I was the Chancellor of Germany.

Regardless of what my personal performance statistics are at any moment in time, sometimes, some things are best left hidden and out of the public view.

In the case of underwear, that's one of the unwritten requirements.

Kneeling to honor your personal Savior can be tricky.

As I continue to ponder the survey choices I'm glad that I live in a world where Ed Asner and Danny DeVito can have a greater and longer lasting influence on society by virtue of their art and other activities than guys who can throw a ball and fill out a highly fitted piece of expandable material.

And by "expandable material," I mean the underwear.

I'm also glad that I live in a world where we can honor Dr. Martin Luther King and celebrate his life and ideals, although I still don't know why the markets need to be closed, especially since that means I have the burden of thinking for an additional day of how to remake the portfolio after about 30% of its value was assigned, as I say goodbye to Amazon, Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, American Express and Mosaic.

Someday, we will say"goodbye" to Tim Tebow and Tom Brady, future footnotes to society's history, yet neither their ephemeral star nor coming in third of fourth to Asner or DeVito should carry shame

Foot notes are important, too, but will always take a second seat to TrollFoot Notes.

 



 

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